Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Liberated Parents Liberated Children

This is not a book; it is a friend. A friend who has known you for a very long time. A friend who is not afraid to tell you that you are wrong and who always says it with love. A friend who listens; who checks in on you; who has done all the bad things you have ever done and so has no judgment.

The book is written by two mothers, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, who over the course of a five year period involve themselves in a parenting class by Dr. Haim Ginott, a psychologist and author. As I read this book, I was put in a position to overhear all the conversations that took place during the weekly meetings. I heard mothers and fathers give examples of their lives and I heard the Dr. give advice and listen to them. I ease dropped with intensity to hear of the solutions and oftentimes catastrophes that took place in their everyday lives with their children. I watched them cry and I watched their eyes light up when telling stories of success.

The book is not difficult to read, but there is a lot of information to put into practice. Here are some of my favorite passages translated into my own words. The first is...are you sitting down for this? It is OKAY to raise your voice and even to yell! Dr. Ginott makes it a point to say that trying to always control yourself with your kids will inevitably end in a full blown attack of rage. Hmm I thought. I am almost always trying to control myself and it's true that it only lasts for a while before I let it all out at a later time or day. Here's what Dr. Ginott advices. It may not be what you agree with, but I really feel there is something quite genius in what he is saying, particularly if you are like me and did not have the most ideal parents and thus need more skills.

He thinks it is wise to check how angry you are when something with the kids occurs. If you are just slightly annoyed, feel free to explain to the children what you would like and you may even acknowledge their feelings in the matter. If you are edgy the situation is starting to bother you and you need to let some of that anger out now before it increases. you may wish to state your expectations to your children at this point. For example, "I expect that when I ask my children to put their shoes on that they do it in a reasonable amount of time". If you are in a mean mood, you are wanting to say something hurtful, but instead of doing damage to the child you may want to state two choices. For example, "Blue or red socks, your choice!". If you are feeling rage you are wanting to hit or hurt them in some way, but instead of doing damage, you have full reign to describe the injustice you see without insults. For example, "I feel extremely angry when I ask you to put your shoes on and it is not done. I feel ignored!" He does suggest that when you are in a mood of rage that you stick to "I" statements even when yelling so as not to insult the child and damage the relationship. The book also suggests that you not punish the child; that stating your own discomfort on a child allows him/her to take it in and try to solve it themselves. If punished, the child may feel they have served their time and are free to repeat it now.

Now the above description is a lot to remember, but I do find it valuable to have something in my mind BEFORE a difficult situation comes up so I am not at the mercy of my outspoken mouth. It is a tool, a default when I want to say something that will break the relationship between me and my children. I do agree with most of the viewpoints and it was a pleasure to be included in their parenting class and listening to their very real and very honest stories of motherhood. I absolutely recommend this book and hope many will find it a friend to them as well. I have read quite a few books and this is the most HONEST book about motherhood and child rearing that I have ever read. There are chapters where a mother has slapped a child and left marks and other chapters where teenagers say the most hurtful of things as well as the mothers. I really do agree with the title though, there is a liberating feel to the whole text; to be able to identify how I feel and not hide that from my family or children is quite liberating. One of my favorite sentences in the book states that you can only act a tiny bit better than how you feel. There is real liberation in that sentence if one dares to unleash themselves and reveal who they really are to their children.


  1. So I'm reading this as my son screams during "time out" in the other room. This time out won't count. I'll go and calmly remind him that time out only counts when we are sitting quietly. =) LOL! Maybe I should read this book!!! But no discipline at all? For me the nature of discipline is discipleship and I can't imagine not teaching my children the ins and outs of character development. I'm sure the books addresses this though... thanks for sharing.

  2. PS: He's now sitting quietly in time out!

  3. The book advocates discipline without punishment and very clear expectations from the parents. These authors also write "Siblings without Rivalry" which I think you might have mentioned. Discipline and punishment have a very interesting relationship :)

  4. discipline is wise, but can easily be beat up and slapped by punishment so that it is lifeless and easy to walk by without listening to what was once character.

  5. =) Sarah I like your description!!! Anonymous... I LOVED that book!!! If it's by the same author I would love to give it a read! I usually find with all parenting books that I just have to take it with a grain of salt. I almost never agree with everything an author says. Kudos to you Sarah for reading on the subject of parenting. I'm always eager to learn more about what I consider to be my most important job ever!